THE VOLVO REPORT!

Ugh! Here is a new tradition on the Autoblog....The VOLVO report.
To beat thy enemy, one must know thy enemy, and that is the purpose of this!

Let's see what stupid thing Volvo is doing this time.

Well, well well. Those rat bastards are up to no good. Look at this article!

http://www.acadvertiser.co.uk/lifestyle/motoring-car-news
/2008/08/29/car-makers-look-to-russian-revolution-65864-21614119/
Those A-holes are spending 100 million Euros to expand into....RUSSIA! I guess they like Soviet farms, Gulags, and Cuban missile crises.

"Russia is the new powerhouse in the global automotive industry. We have already sold 21,000 new vehicles this year, an increase of 95 per cent. And we are confidently expecting this figure to be nearer 29,000 by the end of the year. Everything points to the fact that the Russian market is in full swing and one of the most important for the growth of the Volvo brand."
-Evil Volvo Executive Fredrik Arp

He is thrilled. This portrait is hanging in the Volvo corporate offices.

ACK! What the hell! 21,000 vehicles in Russia?! Volvo single-handly is helping the Russians invade Georgia! The Russian troops are wrapped in chic, bland khaki interiors and safety! This is bullshit! Volvo, the Autoblog does not condone such actions! This is why we hate you. Add it to the top 5 list we previously posted, thus making it a top 6! Ugh! This is all from the Volvo Report....I need to go eat Apple Pie and shower in my Rights and Civil Liberties!
Hey Volvo, you mess with the Bull, you get the Horns!

FWD+Paddle Shifters=Sports Sedan?

Nissan has balls. Normally the Autoblog (the greatest thing to hit the autoworld since the Mustang II!!!) does not like to cover brands in back to back entries, but damn Nissan, we need to give you boyahakasha respek! right here. With the Americans going back to RWD platforms, looks like Nissan is one of the few FWD sport sedan Defenders of the Faith. The Maxima is a very pretty car, especially with that aggressive front fascia.
Car and Driver recently however did not really understand the Maxima's purpose- how can a sports car be FWD with out a true manual tranny? It was pretty daring for Nissan togo for a FWD sports sedan, and it was badass to give this car paddle shifters behind the steering wheel. Yes. Paddle Shifters. Fucking awesome.

I don't care how the Maxima is "confused with it's identity" and blah blah blah. It is an FWD car, with paddle shifters. Hell- some RWD platforms in it's price segment don't have paddle shifters, and the press is giving this car shit for not being a true sports sedan? I don't expect this thing to win 24 hours of Sebring anytime soon, but cut it some slack. The car is a businessman who dabbles in football on the weekend. Let the guy be both conservative and sporty at the same time.
Peoplez should respek da Maximas more!

The Nissan GT-R

Look at that ass! Yes! The GT-R is awesome.

This one isn't half bad either...

The Nissan GT-R is causing quite the stir in the auto world. It weighs about 3800 lbs, but the AWD makes it drive like a Miata- erm sorry MX-5. How in the hell did Nissan defy physics?? Technology and so fourth thats how- but the Autoblog will not bore you with the details. This car is so cool it had the makers of friggin' Gran Turismo program all the digital info displays. This car knows it will be in video games. Thats how you know it is badass. That is all you need to walk away from this post: this car is badass. The beast isn't too pricey either for what you get ($70,000- but they are selling upwards of at least 15k of the list, but a Porsche is way more expensive.) The 3.8 L twin turbo V6 is ferocious, churning out 480 hp at 6400 rpm. While the engine doesn't rev as high as the piercing M3 's, the twin turbos will thrust your ass into the seat, and leave shitty volvos in the dust. I feel bad for it's opponents in Super GT.
Well- Nissan GT-R, the Autoblog salutes you!

A Choreographed, Musical Showdown! (Minus the dancing or music)

Have you all seen the recent comparisons between the Infiniti G and the BMW 3? It is quite the heated battle. The Jets and Sharks got nothin' on this shit (and the G v. 3 Battle has alot less dancing. Easy Action! Cool as Ice!)

The BMW is getting ready to merk the G

The Infiniti is a quality contender for the 3's crown. It is quite the looker, with its strong muscular stance, and it is powered by that famous athletic Nissan 3.5 (or 3.7L) V6. It is a strong entry from the Japanese, and its build quality is exceptional. However, it lacks that German handling, and firm suspension, and it still has to earn its laurels in the auto world. All of this combined make it a losing battle against the titan that is the 3-series.
The BMW on the other hand has it's way with quality contenders like the G, and doesn't even have the decency to call them the next day to say thank you, or plan a second date. The 3 has been in Car and Driver's 10Best 17 times since 1983. Let me retype that. The BMW 3 series has been in Car and Driver's 10best 17 times. Why? well- its a BMW 3 of course, and that almost speaks for itself. When BMW picked their slogan, the badass claim to being "The Ultimate Driving Machine", it turns out that they weren't just talking shit. During the BMW 3's run in those 17 10best appearance, the 3 was kicking everybody's ass in motorsport and sales. The E36 was one of the most dominant sports cars ever.
So, while it is nice to toy with the idea that there is actually a contender to the 3's crown, in reality the Japanese are close, but still not ready top the 3. It just has too much excellence in its pedigree to be dethroned as of yet. If BMW gets cocky in the next model years however, the Infiniti will be more than ready by then to catch up.

The Cal Ripkin Jr. of Car and Driver's 10Best

Where is thy Savior?!

Take a long hard look at this image. This is an automotive legend- the Chrysler K Car. I am not even messing around. This is the car that saved Chrysler back in the 80's, and damn do they need one now. This thing came out of no where and single handedly brought the company from the edge of financial ruin. Its platform helped inspire the minivan, and we all know how that turned out. Chrysler today is in deep shit. The 300 quickly became a modern automotive legend that temporarily breathed life into the fledging company, but it wasn't enough. Their German overlords dumped their asses to the streets, and the company is still reeling from the harsh divorce. The new owners however, while enjoying the real estate prospects of the company (and lighting their Cuban cigars with $100 bills) are doing something surprising- giving the company precious time to turn things around, as seen in a recent NY Times article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/20/business/20chrysler.html?_r=1&ref=automobiles&oref=slogin

Chrysler, where is thy savior? Is it the new 300? It may be time to come out of left field again and surprise the world.

Buicks and Balls

joke about their wives having "four-holes"- this is a classy blog...). Now the brand is perceiveYou know what this world needs? A Buick with balls. Why? Well...Buick back in the day used to be the shit. If you drove a "Four-Holer", you were basically the guy on the block who was envied by your fellow man, and yearned for by their wives (I will take the high road and not make ad to be what Old People drive to the Old Country Buffet after Murder She Wrote. GM has castrated Buick, and for a while it was basically a eunuch brand. Today however, Buick has a stigma with the Baby-Boomers that is hard to shake, but I am hoping that the next generation of Buicks bring back some semblance of relevance to the public. The Lucerne and Lacrosse, both with their classic "Super" trim lines, should finally put some balls on this long docile brand, with the latter having a top speed of +150mph. If it worked for Pontiac, it can work for Buick. Let's hope GM doesn't fuck up.The Lacrosse a pretty car, with a muscular stance, and holy shit- it has muscle under the hood! A 5.3 L LS 4 V8 is behind those four holes (tee hee). If you look closely you can see the balls. If I keep on typing "balls", I am going to attract a different type of crowd (not that their is anything wrong with that)

See? Balls!

hmm...speaking of Fuel Prices....

The NY Times did an interesting little piece on the most relevant offering from Ford Motor Company....

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/10/automobiles/autoreviews/10BLOCK.html?ref=autoreviews

The Ford Excursion...EL! (thats Extended Length folks)
Driving this screams two things:
1. My Penis is Small
2. My Penis is small, and I love supporting oil-rich countries that oppress their populaces!

This beast can tow 9,000 pounds! That number is so awesome, let me write it again. 9,000 lbs. All at an exceptionally dismal 12 mpg in town, and 18 on the highway, but thats the base model, so who knows what damage the fully decked out version can do. 9,000 lbs is like, 4 Kias....but Jesus H. Christ on a pogostick... who in the hell needs that capacity while lugging eight assholes and "their gear" as the times eloquently put it. Don't get me wrong, Detroit Muscle is badass and all, but this beast has to be subsidized by Exxon or something.