Mercedes has typically been seen as a car for old people by some who ignore years of racing heritage and do not do research:
Case in point! Smell the Medicated Powder?
What also does'nt help is the fact that the typical Mercedes driver looks like this:
Ergh? After Yachting they're going to go write their wills...
Well... let a crusty old man drive this and see what happens:
In a sick way, I'd love to see what happens if anyone over 80 drove this...
Oh... thats convenient!...
Just take a quick look at Mercedes styling in the last 5 years. They have really stepped up the aggressive fascias, which is a good thing. The old benzes look like regal German sedans. The new benzes look like they are about to rape and pillage a coastal village. The latter is ten times more badass. They should have their performance heritage rise to higher prominence and let the "amount of golf bags that fit in the trunk" stat take the back burner.
Today is a day that shall live in the annuals of HISTORY! No, a harbor was not bombed by those sneaky Japanese, or something stupid like that. My Mercedes C280 (chassis code w202) defied physics.
My car was not started in over two months, and upon last being driven, the car was deemed to need two things, gas and brakes. My Merc is a legend, for it is in the Savemybenz.com Parthenon of Badass for going ridiculously fast in an epic race. So here is the deal, my tank was basically empty. Nothing. Zilch. It had as much gas as Paris Hilton has talent. (At non sexual favors that is...if it was her talents in that arena, the car could of equaled Saudi Arabia)
MMM Carls Jr. ... MMM as much talent as the Merc had gas. Not the first time she had that much meat in her mouth... BOO YAH! (Ok I'm done...)
It started right up, and drove quite nicely for a car with 107,000 miles on it... I have no idea how it drove. It made it to the gas station just fine and dandy. So thats pretty badass. Here is the most badass part of the story....THIS SONG CAME ON WHEN THE CAR WAS STARTED:
The song's title?!?!? I'M ALIVE! BY HELLOWEEN! (off their classic Keepers of the Seven Keys: Part I album) How friggin' awesome is that?! No gas, NONE, and a badass song being pumped through the speakers! Shit. I think I just crapped myself at the awesome. The car might as well be the automotive equivalent of Jesus, minus the whole miracles and being son of God thing. I can rather vividly picture a Seinfeld retelling:
George: The car had no gas Jerry! NONE! Jerry: How can a car, run on no gas! Whats the deal with that? George: NO GAS JERRY! It's a Jesus car Jerry! JESUS! CAR! Jerry: A Jesus Car.... It was a Jesus car! No Gas! Whats the deal with that?
If you don't know what the jerk store is, chances are you are their biggest seller
WARNING: If you retell this story around the water cooler to Jenkins from Accounting and that beady looking guy in IT, please make sure they are wearing diapers, because they will, and we stress WILL shit themselves at the awesome.
Apparently my Mercedes C280 is supposed to give me a boner when I turn it on. Apparently we are under some unwritten contract that when I ignite its engine, it is supposed to ignite my loins.
See?
Lets get one thing out of the way. This girl, Kate Walsh, is hot. I do not watch Grey's Anatomy, or have any desire to see McSteamy, McDreamy, McPedophile, or Mc Hammer, but she is quite the babe.
See?She can check out my anatomy any day! Boo Yah!
But- hot Kate Walsh aside, I just don't think its hot for me to be getting turned on in my car, by my car. Her, yes. Me, no. My hairy ass should not get aroused steering 2000lbs of sheet metal, leather and burled wood around my dinky suburban landscape. If it did get all hot and bothered by the simple act of starting my car, then I think i'd be suffering from nymphomania, and probably get into a couple of accidents. Enough of my Seinfeld-esque ranting, long story short- Cadillac, if I buy your CTS, actresses from girly hit primetime tv shows better get turned on the moment I turn the key. If I buy the CTS and it turns out that I am the one to get turned on everytime it starts, then I will be the creepy guy, with half a woodie, driving a car that I cannot possibley afford around my suburban town. Thanks Cadillac....thanks.
BTW Cadillac...this car was soooo much more boner inducing:
Now the question is- who won? BMW struck first, but Audi kind of grabbed BMW by the balls. Suburu's counter was out of left field, but witty nonetheless.
I don't know about you, but we here at the Autoblog love the 24h of LeMons. Case in point:
Yes. That is a fucking Pontiac Fiero.. in Alitalia racing colors!! Fuck Yea!
In case you are not familiar, the 24 hours...or as those surrendering cheese eaters the french say, heures du LeMons is an endurance race for cars under $500 before safety gear. 500 bucks and you can enter....race for 24 hours, and win $1500 paid in...NICKELS! The winner of this year's race did 2000 laps in a Toyota Supra without a hood. The Alitalia Fiero pictured above ran a respectable 679 laps. This is the greatest race in the world. Hands down.
