Hahha Speaking of Lamborghinis...

A Really Badass Story

Today is a day that shall live in the annuals of HISTORY! No, a harbor was not bombed by those sneaky Japanese, or something stupid like that. My Mercedes C280 (chassis code w202) defied physics.

My car was not started in over two months, and upon last being driven, the car was deemed to need two things, gas and brakes. My Merc is a legend, for it is in the Savemybenz.com Parthenon of Badass for going ridiculously fast in an epic race. So here is the deal, my tank was basically empty. Nothing. Zilch. It had as much gas as Paris Hilton has talent. (At non sexual favors that is...if it was her talents in that arena, the car could of equaled Saudi Arabia)

MMM Carls Jr. ... MMM as much talent as the Merc had gas. Not the first time she had that much meat in her mouth... BOO YAH! (Ok I'm done...)

It started right up, and drove quite nicely for a car with 107,000 miles on it... I have no idea how it drove. It made it to the gas station just fine and dandy. So thats pretty badass. Here is the most badass part of the story....THIS SONG CAME ON WHEN THE CAR WAS STARTED:


The song's title?!?!? I'M ALIVE! BY HELLOWEEN! (off their classic Keepers of the Seven Keys: Part I album) How friggin' awesome is that?! No gas, NONE, and a badass song being pumped through the speakers! Shit. I think I just crapped myself at the awesome. The car might as well be the automotive equivalent of Jesus, minus the whole miracles and being son of God thing. I can rather vividly picture a Seinfeld retelling:

George: The car had no gas Jerry! NONE!
Jerry: How can a car, run on no gas! Whats the deal with that?
George: NO GAS JERRY! It's a Jesus car Jerry! JESUS! CAR!
Jerry: A Jesus Car.... It was a Jesus car! No Gas! Whats the deal with that?

If you don't know what the jerk store is, chances are you are their biggest seller

WARNING: If you retell this story around the water cooler to Jenkins from Accounting and that beady looking guy in IT, please make sure they are wearing diapers, because they will, and we stress WILL shit themselves at the awesome.

The Lamborghini Diablo

This car is badass:

Eat your heart out Baskin Robins...

It comes in a variety of flavors from its eleven year (eleven years! shit!) production run, and is just badass overall. The Murciélago in our hearts was never a worthy successor of this beast, but Lambo's Reventón may just fit the bill. Just a thought.
This ass puts this lower one to shame (and is probably a whole lot cleaner too):

She is known for having a big ass and a Sex Tape! The Lamborghini Diablo is known for being really, really badass!

When you turn your car on, does it return the favor? Hell No Bitch!

Apparently my Mercedes C280 is supposed to give me a boner when I turn it on. Apparently we are under some unwritten contract that when I ignite its engine, it is supposed to ignite my loins.

See?

Lets get one thing out of the way. This girl, Kate Walsh, is hot. I do not watch Grey's Anatomy, or have any desire to see McSteamy, McDreamy, McPedophile, or Mc Hammer, but she is quite the babe.

See?She can check out my anatomy any day! Boo Yah!

But- hot Kate Walsh aside, I just don't think its hot for me to be getting turned on in my car, by my car. Her, yes. Me, no. My hairy ass should not get aroused steering 2000lbs of sheet metal, leather and burled wood around my dinky suburban landscape. If it did get all hot and bothered by the simple act of starting my car, then I think i'd be suffering from nymphomania, and probably get into a couple of accidents. Enough of my Seinfeld-esque ranting, long story short- Cadillac, if I buy your CTS, actresses from girly hit primetime tv shows better get turned on the moment I turn the key. If I buy the CTS and it turns out that I am the one to get turned on everytime it starts, then I will be the creepy guy, with half a woodie, driving a car that I cannot possibley afford around my suburban town. Thanks Cadillac....thanks.

BTW Cadillac...this car was soooo much more boner inducing:

Fuck. Yes. Mmmm

This is Awesome

This deserves to be shared- an advertising war:







The Bentley Ad is fake, but funny nonetheless.

Now the question is- who won? BMW struck first, but Audi kind of grabbed BMW by the balls. Suburu's counter was out of left field, but witty nonetheless.

24 Heures du LeMons

I don't know about you, but we here at the Autoblog love the 24h of LeMons. Case in point:

Yes. That is a fucking Pontiac Fiero.. in Alitalia racing colors!! Fuck Yea!

In case you are not familiar, the 24 hours...or as those surrendering cheese eaters the french say, heures du LeMons is an endurance race for cars under $500 before safety gear. 500 bucks and you can enter....race for 24 hours, and win $1500 paid in...NICKELS! The winner of this year's race did 2000 laps in a Toyota Supra without a hood. The Alitalia Fiero pictured above ran a respectable 679 laps. This is the greatest race in the world. Hands down.

What the F?

....As the title says- Wat the F?!

Chrysler Shocks the Shit out of the Autoworld!

No pun intended- Chrysler literally shocked the auto world with this:See that beast in the middle? This - This is Chrysler's savior.

Now- the Autoblog is not one to gloat, but....remember this?? HA! We called it! The next K-car isn't a shitty compact sedan- but a badass sports car! Look at the Viper-esque styling! This beast is based on the Lotus Europa's underpinnings, and man does it show!!
Look at the badass color schemes! While Ford and Chevy were getting off on their hybrid vehicles,Chrysler took the incredibly badass route and waited until they had tangible options to show. Holy shit. These cars were developed in secret too. In the age of the mass media and internet- they developed multiple cars, a multi-stage process, in near total secracy. Wow. The Autoblog doesn't even have some witty smartass remark for this. We are truely impressed. Here is thy savior Chrysler! May it work out!

A Little History Lesson in Badass

Back in the day, this crazy guy named William Kissam Vanderbilt II started an international race called...ready? The Vanderbilt Cup!

Willy K- This guy got more puss then you'd ever get

The first race took place in 1904, according to Wikipedia, aka the most reliable source in the world. People such as Louis Chevrolet and Scuderia Ferrari raced, along with the poon magnet Willie k himself. This wasn't a pussy Nascar race either- no driving around circles. Willy was nuts. Willie k wanted to drive around 30 miles of dirt roads in Nassau County. Now, if anyone else wanted to do this, the town government would of shit in their cereal, but since he was a Vanderbilt, they decided to let it slide.

In one of those cars, Willie K is getting more poon then you'd ever get

"But Autoblog- that isn't badass?! A bunch of guys with pedophile mustaches driving around a shitty suburb? Please..." is what you are thinking.

It is the mission of the Autoblog to purge you of your ignorance! Enjoy your slice of badass pie! This race is badass because at the time, Nassau County was covered in nothing but shitty roads. We aren't talking ooo quaint country lanes and shit, we're talking just really shitty ox-cart roads. Picture driving a shitty Buick Le Sabre on a twisting cow path at ungodly speeds, all while being surrounded by death. Now replace the Buick with a shitty 1910 racecar with not one safety feature whatsoever. The Buick looks pretty enticing right now don't it?! The race occured yearly until 1916, where it was resumed on a not so badass racetrack in the 1930s. After a 40 year hiatus in the 60's, it returned as a CART event. But no one cares about a shitty CART event.

Here is the Autoblog's stance, and professional recommendation:
Long Island should have a full blown rally race!

Picture doing this....

Here:

Now that would be fucking awesome. A huge ass rally race in a suburb. Someone make it happen. Your thoughts avid Autoblog readers?!

HA! High-end Auto makers are dicks!

Hah now this is fucking funny:
http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com
/2008/09/16/check-the-timing-belt-on-these-luxury-cars/

So, as the economy tanked this week, there was a lovely auto show called Motorexpo in front of Merrill Lynch. As people walked with their heads down in shame and money hemorrhaging out of their asses, they got to see Rolls, Aston and Bentleys that they can no longer afford! What a nice way to start the day for the average white collar schmuck who is fearing their job security! Hah congrats high-end Auto makers! You are the dicks of the week!

Hmm. We can't afford THIS anymore. Guess we'll go shoot ourselves now!

Its funny though, this thing was planned months in advance, and these automakers had no idea that the economy would take a collective shit, but they are being called insensitive anyway. Regardless of these silly things called "facts"- it is fucking hysterical. Any opinions avid readers?! Leave them in the comments section.

Porsche wants to have it's way with Volkswagen

So- I dunno if you avid readers have time lately to check out automotive news, but besides the massive economic collapse of America, there is other big news:

Porsche is in the process of acquiring Volkswagen!

Das People's Car

The People's Champion!

What is very funny is that Volkswagen is saying that Porsche is "pushy". Germans, being pushy? No Shit! Who wouldadunkit?! C'mon Volkswagen grow a set of balls and do one of two things. Defend yourself, and do not be bought out, or let Porsche marry you in the classic arranged 18th century way. Well, regardless, maybe the Beetle will have a sick water-cooled turbo flat six now.

Just Pretend, for a second, that this thing has a Porsche Engine. It is both a sickening and awesome thought.

That would be cool. Really cool. Or maybe Brooke Sheilds will become the office spokeswomen for the 911! Whats more badass than the bitch from Blue Lagoon promoting a 911?! Is this move good for Porsche? Will they still be badass with all of VW's lame-ass baggage? We here at Das Autoblog say yes- what do you, the avid readers think?

World's First 8 Speed Tranny... man that sounds wrong

Lexus recently introduced the world's first 8 speed transmission. Or tranny. Hah- Tranny. Yes the autoblog made the same joke twice.

Lexus' new transmission

Now, we here at the Autoblog are all for the comfort and shit, but 8 speeds? Is that necessary? Why? I don't get it- someone explain why not 6, 7 but 8 is what is sufficient?

Anyway, you avid readers probably noticed why the Autoblog is now...Das Autoblog. Why? Well, why the hell not? German words look cooler, sound cooler and are cooler. Except for Schnitzal. That word is not cool. Just say sausage. Anyway- The Autoblog would like to ask you, the avid readers what do you think of this newfangled 8 speed tranny? (hah that never gets old). Use the comments section! We want feedback! We work to serve you! Ok thats bullshit, but comment none the less!

Happy 100 Years GM!

Happy 100 Years GM! The Autoblog salutes you and your many accomplishments during your 100 years in the auto industry. You gave us all the greatest hits from Buick, Chevrolet, GMC and the Corvette! You brought the small block V8 into the limelight. Your stock may be in the shitter, and you may almost be unrelevant in your own domestic market, but long live pushrod V8s (which are still friggin' badass. They eat competitors for breakfast) !But most importantly GM, the Autoblog would like to thank you for this:

This car rivals the Lamborghini Countach in terms of styling.

The 1983-84 Chevrolet Celebrity Wagon! This is the pinnacle of auto achievment! The car so nice you had to own it twice! This beast was equipped with a base 2.5L I-4 engine that produces an astonishing 85 HP. The Iron Duke engine was truely the heart of this car. If you got the Eurosport appearance package, you got sick handling/appearance upgrades. Did we mention that the Celebrity was the cousin to the badass Pontiac 6000?! This car was prominent in Robocop!

This car personifies all that is good with GM

Thank you GM, thank you for all the great things you have produced. If it is possible, please resume production of the Chevrolet Celebrity. We want to see the Eurosport model return as well, so we can outrun our friends in their shitty Ford Mustangs, and out handle anybodys Honda S2000s.

Love,

The Autoblog!

We love BMW

The Autoblog needs to come clean about something. We love BMW. We are extremely biased. Why? Well, today's flavor of the day is this:

Look at that dual kidney grill. Mmm fuck yeah

Do you guys remember the 7 series from Tomorrow Never Dies? Well, that was a really badass 7 series. Ok, so it was ten years ago, so howabout the Transporter's 7? That was more recent. The current generation 7 is not in the same line of badassery as these two iterations. Well, turns out that the new the 7 series is a bad ass luxo cruiser. This new Bimmer packs a twin turbocharged V8 that has 400 hp and 442 lb/ft of torque. Jesus Christ, I just shit myself. Also....get ready for this one kids- iDrive is dead. Deader than JFK Jr. (Too soon? Yes! Tasteless, yes!) The throne is returned to the 7!

Bmw blows the competition away!!!!

The CTS-V Punches old people in the face!

Apparently, the all new Cadillac CTS-V dethroned the M5 in this month's Road and Track. It was an even match that took place at Monticello, NY, and both manufacters sent their drivers and teams to represent themselves. It was quite a hellicous race with results that impressed us here at the Autoblog until we realized the following: The M5 is three years old, and the CTS-V is well, all new. Wow. Thats like punching the shit out of your grandma than striking a badass pose.

The CTS-V punching the BMW in the face. Yea it won, but is it truely a victory?

Grandma abuse aside, the Cadillac is by no means a pushover. Actually, it is a friggin' monster. Look at the specs. It sports the rather epic 6.2 L LSA V8 that generates 556hp and rockets the Caddy from 0-60 in 3.9 seconds.

Its cute...for a grandma puncher

The M5 has the 5.5L V10 that produces 505hp, and was hailed by Jeremy Clarkson after pressing the M button: "the car stops being annoying, and becomes, just magnificent." The Caddy has the power advantage, and a weight advantage. WTF? R/T couldn't find a newer competitor for their new monster? What, was the GT-R too busy shampooing it's hair to come out and play? I guess Caddy did benchmark the M5 (and why wouldn't they?) when they created and tuned the CTS-V, but c'mon. The M5 is fast on its way to becoming a BMW legend, and just got KO'ed by the young upstart Caddy V. The end of an era? Well, there is one thing that we did not mention. In the comparo test, the Caddy posted a 2:44:23, while the BMW posted 2:44:70. The difference was roughly half a second. A three year old car lost by half a second to the best Caddy threw at them. This, in itself, is quite impressive.

Still one badass car

Oh one more thing. BMW is currently producing a new M5. That sound you just heard was Cadillac collectively shitting their pants.

Two Badass Sleeper Cars

The Autoblog is a regular contributor to the C/D forums, and I found this little thread:
http://forums.caranddriver.com
/auto/board/message?board.id=8&message.id=11742#M11742

German Luxury Sedans are normally not known for their subtle hints at granduer. However, with their larger size, these rides are often soft and cushy. These cars however are not soft and cushy. These cars will tear you a new one before you even realize that a car can, in fact, tear you a new one.

The E55 AMGStealth Level: Four Ninjas out of Five.

This car is friggin' sweet. Recently covered in this months Car and Driver, the 1997-2002 E55 AMG is subtle power. It is the automotive equivalent of a UFC fighter whose day job happens to be a middle management boss. At the Gap. It has the 5.5L V8 that produces 347hp, and 355 lb/ft torque, with 0-60 in the sub 6 second range. Impressive indeed for a car that is older. And oh so sneaky. Compare it to this:

This car is as subtle as an RPG up your ass. Which isn't nessecarily a bad thing...

The Audi S8

Stealth Rating: Five Hitmen out of Five

The Audi S8 is like looking at your grandma who also happens to be a contract killer for the Gambino family. It does not differ much from the regular A8, but then again nor does the E55. So why five Hitmen out of five? Well, the S8 was created to combat the already established AMG line that Merc had, and no one know what the hell it was. This monster's 4.1L V8 produced 335 hp, the famous Audi Quattro drive train, and upgraded shocks and suspension. Plus, it offered that oh so underrated appearance that wins contests such as these. Look at the subtle offering of the current S8:

By the way- this is totally my desktop.

That is our selection of Sleeper cars for now. If you, the famed Autoblog readers have any suggestions, offer them up in the comments section!

The new NSX? I think not!

This is a good looking car. However, it has shit on this. Call us old fashioned.

The NSX has been dead for almost four years, and with its absence, it has left a mid-engined void in the near supercar realm. The Audi R8 fits the slot, but it is not the same dammit. Recently though, talk is arising about a mysterious Acura that has been circling the Nurburgring:
http://www.edmunds.com
/insideline/do/GeneralFuture/articleId=120921

There are some quite notable differences between this new monster and the classic NSX. The NSX was Honda/Acura's mid-engined masterpiece, while this next car has a front engine set up. The NSX had a V6 engine that towards the end of its run produced 292 hp and 224 lb/ft of torque. This new model has a substainally more powerful 550hp 5.5L V10.
What the fuck?! Jesus Christ! Those crazy Japanese!

I googled "Crazy Japanese" and got this returned to me. Good thing I had safe search on... god knows what would of turned up.

Also, in a quite ballsy move, they are shooting very upmarket. A 2005 NSX sold roughly for $80,000, while this new car is guesstimated to sell for over $150,000.
Go for the gusto Honda!

All in all, the NSX replacement isn't exactly an NSX, but it is still way too early to tell. Maybe they are doing a tourer in conjunction with a mid-engine supercar. Who knows. In three years reread this article and laugh at how dated it will be!

We here at the Autoblog will watch this situation quite closely... close like that creepy uncle at family parties.

"Yea...look at that ass! Now go get your Uncle Robby another brew, and don't be fancy about it!"

Woah, a cool Lincoln!

Attention Autoblog Readers! Lincoln is relevant!

Well, with Ford in the shitter (although not in Europe), this little car surprised me:
Behold! The Lincoln MKS! Apparently these guys produce more than a Towncar these days. This car is quite capable of saving Lincoln. Priced at under $38,000, this car is rather German in style. And look at the blingy grille. Man. Babes love chrome. Powered by a more powerful version of the Duratec 3.5 L V6 that has been in almost every Ford recently. Making 275hp at 6,200rpm, it isn't slow, and soon a twin turbocharged 3.5L is coming, making 340 hp. Shit. The Lincoln has balls too. This car has the ability to turn Lincoln around, the question is though, is it too late? We shall see readers, we shall see!

He is totally saying "I shall buy one TOMORROW!"

The Mitsubishi Lancer Evo X

Well, well, well, if it isn't Mitsubishi, the company that brought us such hits like the Outlander, Galant, and Eclipse (which by the way is totally a chick car...typically a hot chick's car.) Back in the day, Mitsubishi used to be the shit, but more recently here in the US they are on a bit of hard times. With that being said, enter the Lancer.That front end is aggressive. Aggressive is badass. Thus, the Lancer's front end, is badass!

I am impressed Mitsubishi. Very impressed. This is a very good looking car. Since you are reading this blog, I am sure that you know the Lancer's rich Rally past. So the question is, the car looks badass, but how does it drive?

Wonderfully. The Lancer is a testament to AWD. The car has so many options in terms of differential and suspension settings, I am surprised that this baby doesn't wipe your ass at the push of a knob. With the impressive 0-60 time of 4.9 seconds, and about 360hp in the UK version (why do we get 291hp? Apparently those limeys can handle power better...) While it is heavier than the Evo it replaces, this car is nothing to scoff at. Top Gear picked it above the Impreza hands down, which seemed to be an unfair challenge, for the poor Suburu looks like a tricked-out Jellybean. While the Autoblog loves European cars, this offering from the Japanese stole our hearts, and for a measly $35,000, it won't steal our wallets.

Mitsubishi, you F-ed up in the American market recently, but if you continue to build cars like the Lancer (which totally is not a chick car), you won't need worry about making a better Diamante or Galant. The Evo is just fine. Just build more Evos please.

Hello Suburu Impreza. My name is the Evo X. I am about to kick your ass? You cool with that? Good...

The Mercedes C63 is Bat Shit Crazy

While the Autoblog's parent website (www.savemybenz.com) is mainly about a Mercedes C280, the Autoblog must be unbiased when commenting on the automotive world! With that out of the way, the new Mercedes C 63 is fucking crazy. Not even like good "let's do it in the church when no one is around" crazy. It is the "As we do it I'll murder the shit out of you" kind of crazy.

Like every hot, crazy girl you may meet, this one fuck your shit up. (not in the good way)

Do you know how many horsepower this monster has? 451. The advertisements state that giving a car 400hp is nuts, so they gave it 451hp. Its true. Isn't that messed up?! On top of that, the power from the 6.3 L V8 is transferred directly to the rear wheels, and you have the ability to switch ESP off. In creating this monster, Mercedes had the M3 in their sights, and boy did they hit their mark. In all the comparo tests in the auto magazines, the M3 won (it is the darling of the automotive world, the sweet girl next door that does not try to murder the shit out of you), but the Mercedes C 63 was close. The only problem they had with the car was that it is too fucking wild.

Only the Stig mastered it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNDA7wMp8WE&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T57e0q5Ebzo&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgeHE1grb2A&feature=related

So what is the lesson here? Well...This car can, and probably will kill you if you attempt to drive it. Buy a Corolla and play it safe. Unless you are the Stig of course.

GM and Chrysler are on the shitlist

http://reviews.cnet.com
/8301-13746_7-10024776-48.html

What the fuck GM? Pontiac is no longer going to be RWD exclusive? Do you guys at GM see that something is positively received, and than proceed to take a shit on it? I wish you cancer of the eyes.

As for Chrysler- may your first born infant die in a plague that rivals Moses'. As Automotive News reported earlier, they may be selling off the Dodge Viper, but it is under "strategic review." Here is a strategy to consider Chrysler- Don't be such a fucktard and sell off an American Icon!

I hope this has its way with all of the Chrysler executives wives while their kids watch.

Harsh? Probably. Necessary? Why of course!